My roommate was the kind of guy who, through his moronisity (yes I invented a word), could give Einstein a headache. Or get Hawking running. Not to get ahead on the story, my roommate was a thorough dumbass. He was the stupidest guy around. If he was a girl he would be Paris Hilton. Since he is a guy, well there are too many stupid guys around. Like many guys he was horny as hell. Stupid and horny gets you ahead in life. So one fine day….

Dude!

What?

You busy?

No I am just finalising on my plans to resolve all world conflicts in one felt swoop. But, your news is far more important.

Con flicked? Whats that? Anyways I got great news!

Hmmmm?

I am going to be a father!

By choice? I mean – Really?

Yes. The greatest thing that happened to me!

No offense, you think the greatest thing that happened to you was Fair and Lovely for Men. Wait I did mean offense. Keep going, the insults can wait….momentarily.

I got a girl pregnant.

Duh! Details?

Well, I was drinking….

Say no more. Did you mean for this to happen?

Well I did have protection with me.

You mean your swiss army knife dont you?

Ummmm….

Or the pepper spray?

I carried a condom.

Did you use it before?

Well….no. Of course not. It was unopened.

Unrolled?

Huh?

Nevermind do go on.

Well we were fooling around and we decided to go forth. One thing led to another and before I knew it I was chewing on it.

Wait! Chewing? I dont need details man.

No! No! It wasnt that. After we were…spent, I realised I was chewing on the condom.

Wait you were chewing on the condom after you used it? Thats messed up. Literally and figuratively.

No, thing is I didnt use it.

That’s a relief – sort of. For a moment I felt like socking it to you. Go on.

I dont know what happened. I opened the pack, took the condom out and the flavour just blew me away.

What flavour was it?

Chocolate.

Ah nice! So you chewed on it like a piece of gum?

Yeah pretty much.

Hmmm. That explains the pregnancy. What you guys going to do now?

Well I am going to be a father.

Question is will the kid actually want a father like you? And what does the mother say?

Whose mother?

The girl you knocked up, genius.

Well I dont really know….

How could you not? I thought she must have been the one who informed you were going to be a bastard father.

A bastard father?

A father born out of wedlock.

Yeah well. I dont really know her.

Huh?

I met her day before.

How could you know she is pregnant so soon?

Well she was puking all over the place when we woke up.

That was just you and your repulsive mug. Or probably all the alcohol she must have drunk to make you intelligent and desirable.

So she couldnt have gotten pregnant?

Not a chance. Probably if she was some kind of insect. Knowing your choice…

MAN! I am so relieved. A baby would seriously cramp my style.

Not to mention question your intelligence.

Phew! I will never have sex again.

Give me a break! You will just start humping anything that moves.

Yeah your right.

Of course I am! And what do you do with a condom next time?

Ummm

You use it moron! Dont make a balloon, dont use it as a water balloon, not as chewing gum,or as an umbrella cover. You use it on yourself!

Yeah! Yeah!

And dont use alcohol flavoured condoms while driving.

Why?

For one you could get drunk on it!