I like driving. And, I like the concept of road trips – which by the way does not mean getting high on any intoxicant while on the road. What I like is the whole ritual of driving or riding. When I had the bike (I still do, but I guess my fascination is dwindling) it meant putting on a jacket, helmet and a pair of sunglasses. Now that I have a car (a beautiful Fiat), it involves… well just the sunglasses. Like with all motoring enthusiasts, I am disheartened by the current state of traffic in, well India. Coming from the pits of traffic hell that is Aurangabad, I have seen people in vehicles come in five directions. Where Aurangabad traffic forms the basis for the real life demonstration of Brownian Motion, traffic in other cities like Mumbai, Bangalore or Pune have sheer volumes. In this post, I present a few suggestions on how to address our traffic problems.

(This post has my original albeit amateur artwork. If you steal them, I will hunt you down and make you watch Emotional Atyachar or worse Dare to Date. Scratch that. The host of Dare to Date, I hope you never run into me. Because I will do to you, what plastic surgery did to MJ…)

Lane discipline – when nobody is straight anymore

Solution – Tetris. Everyone needs to master Tetris as part of their driving test. That way we know which vehicle needs to go where, hence the traffic will be one smooth moving block of vehicles. Illustrated below:

The reality

Once we administer Traffic Tetris

Sure, there will be some moron who does not adhere to the system – but for the most part things will be sorted.

Cars with bright lights – the kind that blind you and might fool you into thinking it’s a UFO

Solution – baseball bat. Simple really, take baseball bat to take out that f*&king headlights. After doing so run away. Repeat.

I don’t endorse baseball as a “sport”. You can use a hockey stick or borrow the pump Sunny Doel used in Gaddar to take out the army for all I care.

Road rage, drinking & driving and all other demented anti-social behaviour

Solution – immediately stop all crappy television shows, especially:

• Rahul ki swayamvar
• Splitsvilla
• Emotional Atyachaar
• Dare 2 Date
• Any title with more than one ‘K’ in it
• Anything with Rakhi Sawant in it
• Filter on the sound “saas” except when referring to software, breathing or the SARS

Studies have shown people tend to drive away from the horror or drink to suppress what they have seen on TV. At times they might lash out at others after watching the CID officers in suits that make them look like extras in a b-grade movie.

Got any more suggestions or need a solution to a particular traffic related problem? Leave a comment, why don’t you?

During the course of research for this post, I had the chance to meet an enterprising eunuch who goes by the name Prem-ya-latha. He/she agreed to talk to me about how traffic signals work. Coming soon.